You Will Survive This (edited)

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You will survive this.

Someday you will know this was not your fault and that truth will seep into your bones.

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I don’t know who did this to you, but I believe you even if your so-called friends do not and yes, I know their betrayal hurts far worse. I do not know who did this to you, but I believe you even if the authorities do not, and yes, I know you will never trust them again. I don’t know who did this to you, but I believe you even if that therapist you hesitated to call questions your truth. I don’t know who did this to you, but I believe you. I believe you and it wasn’t your fault even if you don’t believe me right now. I believe you and it wasn’t your fault even if others are blaming you right now.

I believe you and it wasn’t your fault and someday that truth will seep into your bones, but that day probably isn’t today.

I know these things because I have been in your shoes many times before.

I am a multi-time survivor.

My truth has been reported both to the authorities and to my alma mater. Both failed me. But no one failed me more than the folkx I thought were my friends, especially “the one”. You see “the one” sat through my campus investigation, “the one” was there when it happened and tried to stop it. “The one” had asked if “it” had happened before and yes “the one” later accused me of lying about the entire damn thing. That was the day I stopped trusting anyone to stick around, that may sound unfair to the rest of my friends. But it’s not…. because none of them who were around then are still present in my life today.

The friends who stand fiercely in my corner today believe me; most but not all know what happened. I don’t share this part of my life with everyone, part of my reason is shame and fear, but really it comes down to I’ve told the story so many times and sometimes I just want to be their vegan friend who religiously goes to hot yoga.

...I ask that you survive.

 

People will play a part in this story of yours, they are vital to your survival. You have probably spent a great deal of time fighting this alone, so you already know this truth, you will have to learn to survive on your own. Only you can dictate what methods (re coping) work for you and who you will be from now on, you are the director of your healing

You will survive this.

I’m not going to pretend that I know what right now feels like for you, I only know my story and my experiences. I wanted things to feel normal, the harsh reality is… you will never be the person you once were, similar yes, but never the same. Violence changes things, re-prioritizes what feels important, and as for those friends of yours who don’t believe you and who look at you differently, they haven’t caught up to the new you; I cannot promise they ever will.

You didn’t ask to be a survivor, but you are one now.

Only you can dictate how you will survive, but I ask that you survive. Do not let them win. Our suicide statistics are far too high and I ask that you stay here with us and know we did not ask to be apart of this family, but we are here with you and their choice to hurt us is not the beginning and end of our stories.

Your story is beautiful, it may not feel that way right now but you live a story of resilience and of overcoming the darkness that has sought to take you. The darkness has tried to take me far too many times and no amount of counseling can take away the pain that comes with this. I began the road to survival on a yoga mat, that sounds cliche but it’s where I began and it’s where I’ve returned to several times over the years.

On a cold, wintery night I rolled out my mat in an eighty degree room and for sixty minutes, I tried to be okay and breathe. For sixty minutes, I was led through a series of poses and staved off panic and dissociation. Three years have passed since that night and not too long ago, I completed my own teacher training.

Please choose to survive and find people who will stand in your corner.

I believe you and what happened is not your fault and while you may not believe that today, let that truth seep into your bones. This was not your fault.


Karen Kaltenheuser is a twenty-something human who is makes things with their hands and is helping folkx to tell a better story. Originally from the USA, they have worked in China and Uganda on various projects, while occasionally jaunting to India to become a better yoga teacher. When they aren’t pushing pixels or on location, you can find them getting sweaty at hot yoga, asking if something can be made vegan, or running through an airport. Digitally, you can hang out at theodddaughter.com or on Instagram @kkaltenheuser/@theodddaughter.

Evren Kaltenheuser

Ren Kaltenheuser is a Visual Creative and Social Researcher, residing in NYC. Their noteworthy claim to fame is a tattoo on the back of their arm that they got whilst living in Chongqing, Sichuan, China… that went viral on Pinterest.

They adore muted colors, making things that make people feel known, abstract shapes, dialoguing about social issues, creating more room at the table, and merging their passions for creativity and research for a more equitable world. Sounds lofty? You haven’t met Ren.

Ren graduated with a BA in Graphic Design and in Sociology, concentrating in Women & Gender Studies from Drake University. They went onto do graduate studies in UI/UX Design at MICA and Art + Craft Design at PNCA/OCAC, whilst completing work at Columbia University in Software Engineering. Ren is an avid learner and their well rounded skillset has allowed them to live and work on five continents.

Naturally, Ren wrote this in third person like they’ve seen others do.

https://www.renkaltenheuser.com
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